The Name Game by Shirley Ellis
Or “Karl Karl bo barl. Banana fana fo farl. Fee fi mo marl. Karl.”

You have seen video of MC Rove rapping at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association dinner recently, haven’t you? If you haven’t you should. What a hoot that guy is. I mean who’s hipper?

Well that video got me to thinking. Not about politics, not about the rightness or more likely, wrongness of Karl Rove rapping. What it got me to thinking about is what great parties this administration must throw, about how much fun it must be at those parties. Now I’ve never been invited to one of their parties, have you? But, following MC Rove’s performance, I can only imagine how cool, how hip, (No, Rummy, I said hip, not hep. We don’t really use that word in this century.) their parties must be.

The first person I imagine seeing after making my way past the rappin’ MC- well, wait a minute. MC Rove is just too timid a name for such a wild and crazy guy, it’s just too, shall we say, conservative. K Rove, that's better, that’s the name, K Rove. “Excuse me K Rove, don’t want to interrupt your rap but can I please squeeze by?”

“No worries, dude,” He might say, “Let me show you around, introduce you to the crew, yo. This here, this here’s Chain-E. You know Chain-E? Most powerful man in the world.”

“Oh, umm, I thought he was the second most powerful man in the world. I thought George Bush was the most powerful man in the world,” I would reply.

"U-U, nahh. He thinks them boots and big ole buckles make him manly. We laugh at him. That’s why he messes up when he speaks so much, cuz he knows we’re all laughing at him,” Says K Rove laughing.

“U-U?” I say.

“Yeah, that’s what we call him, u-u. Short for W, double u, get it?” And here K Rove begins to breakdance. Luckily, Chain-E ambles over to introduce me to some of the other people. To my surprise, Chain-E is wearing long denim shorts, a basketball jersey, Nikes and a baseball cap turned sideways.

"Hey," he says to K Rove as we move away, "Is Allie-G here?"

"No," Replies K Rove. "He had to stay home. He's trying to remember what he forgot or forget what he remembered, I'm not sure which. There's some hearing tomorrow. Democrats, you know."

Chain-E nods, “Those people, why do they need to know the truth? Come on, come meet Condi Mint,” He says as he leads me towards a man and a woman dancing in the corner of the room. “Hey Condi Mint, 2 Cent, come say hello.” Condoleeza Rice and Bill O 'Reilly stop dancing and head over to say hi to me. They shake my hand but as John Ashcroft heads over, they quickly move away.

“Oh, him,” Chain-E mutters. “Hey man let’s go, that’s John Ashcroft. He’s a drag.”

“John Ashcroft, you just call him John Ashcroft?” I can’t help looking baffled.

“Yeah, I know,” Chain-E replies as he leads me away, “We just couldn’t come up with a more urban name for him. Hey, that man couldn’t find soul if you dropped him off in the middle of Harlem with Sam and Dave to help him search.”

I nod because I don’t think I can disagree. “There goes Oxi, Ox for short,” Says Chain-E pointing out Rush Limbaugh.

“Ox? Is that because he’s built like an ox or because of his, hey, isn’t that a bit insensitive?”

“You are what you are,” Chain-E replies, insensitively. “And here, here’s someone you must know. You call her Ann Coulter, we call her Ice Ice Baby. She’s cold, real cold. Don’t wanna go near her. You hear what she said about John Edwards?” Chain-E asks laughing. “You wanna know why I think she said that? I think she said that cause she has a thing for him and he wants no part of her. I don’t think he’s what she said; I don’t even care because, you know, I have a daughter and…never mind. Anyway, I think the problem is her, not him. She’s a total turnoff.”

As we chat K Rove comes over to join us. “Didn’t think we could get down, did you? Y'all think - that's how u-u says it, y'all - y'all think we can’t move, don’t you, that we can’t dance, that we’re all stiff. Well, why don’t you go and tell your liberal friends the truth about us. We’re just like everyone else. We party, we dance, we’re not all stiff.”

I will, K Rove, I will. The problem is that video. I’ll tell people you can dance but there is that video and I know for a fact, it’s going to contradict me.

If You’re Going to San Francisco- Scott McKenzie (written by John Phillips)

Or Our Values Are Just Fine, Thank You

We don't really wear flowers in our hair here anymore so if you're planning a visit, that's one less thing you need to worry about packing. I've been living here almost 25 years now and I can't think of a single time that I needed to break out the ole flowers for my hair. Anyway, imagine trying to get a flower to stay in Gavin Newsom's hair. What chance would a poor flower stem have against that protective shell he calls his hair? Come to think of it, how would I get a flower to stay in my own somewhat (only somewhat) thin hair? See, this flower in the hair thing is very complicated. No wonder it ended.

Another thing I don't think you need to worry about if you choose to visit is the whole San Francisco values thing. I hear it's caused Bill O 'Reilly all kinds of sleepless nights but I'm telling you, it's nothing to worry about. Earthquakes? Maybe. San Francisco values? Nahhh.

I was stumped at the whole fear of San Francisco values thing last year. I couldn't figure out what people were supposed to be afraid of. Would you help Mr. O 'Reilly, would you tell us what is it about this great city and its great people that causes you all that agita? What is it about the values here, values I would sum up with the words life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness (hmmm, sounds familiar. Oh yeah, duhhh. Sorry, now I remember where I've heard those words.) that makes you quake (ha, ha. Get it? Quake.)? What is it that you think the people here are doing and thinking and believing that upsets you so? Working hard? Raising their children? Caring for their community- all of their community without excluding segments of it? Rooting for the 49ers? Sounds pretty All-American to me. I don’t want to be intrusive but, what are your values? How do they differ from ours, how are they better than ours?

Or is it our leaders, our representatives you fear? Is it Nancy Pelosi? Is it Dianne Feinstein? Is it Gavin Newsom? I think I'm on to something, aren’t I? You don’t like what they represent do you? And yet they are our representatives, we've elected them and they represent us and our values. You don't have a problem with the fact that our representatives represent us, do you? I mean it wouldn’t seem fair for our representatives to represent you would it?

What’s wrong with the people here Mr. O ‘Reilly? What’s wrong with their values? It seems to me people here are just people. Honest, hard working, tax paying, USA loving Americans just like you. Maybe you should visit us Mr. O ‘Reilly, maybe you should come see for yourself there really is nothing to fear from us. I promise you’ll be fine here. I promise there are no more heathens in San Francisco than there are saints in oh say, Crawford, Texas. I also promise that whatever you say and however loudly you say it, we’ll be keeping our values. But thanks for your input.

Oh, and if you do come visit, don't forget that it’s okay to leave your flowers at home.