Almost Cut My Hair by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young
Or Wait, If My Son’s Turning 20 Then I Must Be…Oh No!

I almost cut my hair the other day except that I wasn’t sure why I should. To begin with, there isn’t a lot of hair there to cut anymore. And anyway, how much better do I look with my hair shorter? Or longer? Am I more presentable with my hair short or long? Does anyone care? Is anyone looking?

Yes, someone is looking. My kids. I have 2 kids. Kid 1 and Kid 2 I call them. Kid 1 is Kid 1 because he was born first. Kid 2 is Kid 2 because she was born second. Simple but elegant, no? I think it’s cute. They used to. Then they grew up.

Anyway, they look at my appearance and luckily for me, they share their thoughts with me. “Why are you wearing that?” Kid 1 asks me. “How would I know if you need a haircut?” Kid 2 replies when I ask her. “Why’d you cut your hair?” She offers when I get home after a haircut. “You look kinda dorky,” Kid 2 says.

“Thanks kids,” I say because I appreciate their input. By the way, do you sometimes wonder how you ever knew what to do before your kids were around to tell you?

What happened to my hair? When did it stop mattering much? I still remember when it did matter, when I had a head full of hair. Dark, thick, curly hair, hair that belonged in the 60’s, hair that was a worthy foe for any barber willing to challenge it. Not like now. Now I have thin, wispy, grayish hair. Barbers scoff at it, there is no challenge for them in cutting it. They send me to hairdressers, “A hairdresser can help your hair,” They tell me, “They have creams and sprays that can help thicken it and bring back some luster. Try a hairdresser.” So I go to the hairdresser but my hair won’t allow any sprays or creams. I think it’s embarrassed.

What happened to my hair? Age for one thing. My hair is even older than the Hell’s Angels! Well, as I understand it not the Hell’s Angels but the Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels which recently turned 50. That’s the chapter I think of and I believe many of us think of when we think of the Hell’s Angels. Remember how they told us that Schlitz was the beer that made Milwaukee famous? The Oakland chapter of the Hell’s Angels is the chapter that made the Hell’s Angels famous. For example, even if you didn’t know much about basketball you knew about Michael Jordan and even if you didn’t know much about the Hell’s Angels, you knew about Sonny Barger.

My hair is older than Bonanza! No, not as old as Ben Cartwright, just the show. Come on now, Ben Cartwright was older than our parents, Ben Cartwright was probably older than television. My hair is older than Speedy Alka Seltzer! Actually I Googled him (remember when google wasn't something you did? Remember when there was no such thing as "To Google"? Our kids sure don't). Speedy was born before me so my hair is not older than Speedy, but he appeared on TV for the first time just after I was born. Since he didn't seem to have hair, my hair is older than his hair.
My hair is older than the Pillsbury Doughboy. My hair is older than Mr. Clean. What a cool guy though, huh? Can you believe he got away with wearing an earring on TV back then? My hair is almost as old as Tony the Tiger!

Luckily I'm young at heart if not at hair. My son is soon turning 20. I’m a long, long way from 20. A long way. But sometimes I feel 20. I feel that I could still do things I did when I was 20, I feel I could easily fit in with my son and his friends. Then I look in the mirror. “20!” My hair splutters. “20!” Then it laughs, and laughs, and laughs. But not for too long because it needs to stop and catch its breath.